Well, the party went off with out a hitch yesterday, from what I understand. Still wish I could have been there, but things happen. Everyone was so great helping to get this done. I don't know what I would do without the Hammers. They are absolutely wonderful.

Spyne is down in that hole, trying to get that demon's blood. He's told me that it is horrible down there, so I am not looking forward in going down there soon. I will try to get some farming and training done. Hopefully I will be done for when he gets back. All I can do is try my best. I know I can do it. Just have to set my mind to it. I miss him so much when he's away like this. It's wierd, thought I would never feel like this, but here I am. Ahhh well, it's all wonderfully good.............

I have found myself just sitting somewhere, anywhere can find peace and quiet, and just staring off into the distance. No matter what I am "suppose" to be doing, be it training, farming or helping someone, I find myself doing this. And don't even get me started on the training, seems I can't do that til I am done farming. And the farming....I totally Hate those Demon Sandclaws and the Roving Horrors....If I don't see another one ever, that will be too soon.....


I am happy, I really am. I find my mind drifting though, of things I don't want to think about. But they are always there, in the back of my mind. Sometimes when I least expect it, they find their way to the front. Making me think of things that shall go unsaid.....This is something I must deal with, I know, and eventually, when things settle down, they will go away........

Where do I start? It hurts this little brain of mine just to think about writing in here this evening. Without the help of Cel and Trip and many others, I really don't think I could do this. It was all her ideas anyways, I just ran with them......

All I can do is pray to the gods this goes off without a hitch. I am terrified something will happen though. All anyone can do, right? We shall see how it all goes. If I have to see one more of those darn sandclaw busters though, I think I will scream.....AAARRRGGGGGGGGG............

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy......need I say more?

Who would have thought it would be this hard? And this is why I have pretty much given up on everything but my training and farming, guildmates and true friends. If it weren't for them, I truly would go to sleep and never wake. It is for them that I stick it out. It is to see them happy that I long for. I have come to figure out that the only happiness that I will get is through them.


"Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, And in their pleasure takes joy, even as though t'were his own."

It is times like this, when I really don't have much to do, that I really start to think about things. And it is when I start thinking that the pain comes back. Thinking of the way things were when things were so much simpliar. Maybe things will get back like that, but I really do doubt it. Pretty much given up on hope all together, unless you count the hope that my friends and guild mates are truly happy. That is what I will start putting my energies into. When I see them happy, it makes me smile.

So looking forward to the Fall Festival. With every day that passes, I find my excitement growing. I really can't wait. At least that is something I have to look forward to.


"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

I can't believe what happened. I was out farming in that dreaded desert and a scorpion of all things dropped a Fall Festival Token. I stood there in total shock, considering it was the first time I saw one. Now I am getting more excited as the days pass. I can't wait...........

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."


Shall I say, they have helped me to come to believe in myself again. Little by little, day by day, it is getting easier. The pain is still there, I believe now that it will always be there. But it has eased some. Throwing myself back into my training and farming, and as always helping out when I can. Seems to keep me occupied by doing this, my mind on other things. That helps a lot.

Why is it though, when the ones I care for so much are hurting and I can see in their eyes that they are hurting, there is nothing I can do for them. All I have come to want is for them to be happy and to take their pain and confusion away. To give it to myself. I truly cannot stand to see them this way. They know I am there for them, if and when they need me, all they have to do is holler. Don't know how much help I would be to them, but my shoulder is pretty sturdy for them to cry on, if that is what it is they want. I shall pray to the Gods that they take their pain away. I feel that is all I am able to do now........

YAY.....a new record for me, 18 rides on the cannon before it sent me to the LM....WOO HOO......



"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."


There is three of them that I can honestly say means the most to me. They are the ones that have helped me out here, and for that, I shall forever be in their debt. There are no words to explain how much they mean to me, how much I do love them, or how much I truly appreciate them. Thank You........

I am sitting here just staring at this book, don't know how many times I have thrown it so far. Finally decided to just pick it up and let the words flow, if they can. I told him. I told him everything, how I felt, how I still feel, and then I ran. I ran as fast as I could. Couldn't handle to see him anymore. It hurts, deep down, it hurts. It's an ache that will not go away, right where my heart was. But, I must remember I knew what I was getting into right from the beginning. I knew it wouldn't last, but that small sliver of hope was there. Guess that is what I get for hoping. I do not trust myself to hope again. I do not know if I will ever be able to put that hope into anyone again........


**tears stain some of the wording**

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship."

Is there really any more I can add to that? No, I really don't think there is. The few that I can call a dear friend know how much they really mean to me and that I will do what ever it takes to protect that friendship. It is their friendship that has gotten me through all I have been through. It's seeing their smiling eyes that helps me realize not to give up hope, that all will be ok in the end. I know I may not feel that way all the time, but I do know it will happen, not over night, but in due time. These trials I have been through, I believe will make me a better person. At least that is what I am hoping for........

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."


I thought I should add that quote, to help remind me to stay strong and courageous no matter what comes.

I really can't believe it. I actually laughed today. I laughed like I haven't laughed in a very, very long time. It felt wonderful. Like all my troubles where gone. I am sitting here in the Handle, looking out over the plains and looking up at the stars, sitting here wondering if putting myself through all I did. I know the reason, but don't want to admit it. I do know I will not put myself in that position again. What's that saying? "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have ever loved at all"? Is that how it goes? I guess it does have some truth to it. The pain is still there, it will always be there, but to laugh as I did this day made me forget for a moment that pain. It's when I finally settle down at night that it all comes rushing back to me. I shall try to brush it off.

Journal, remember a while back how I said the nightmares where coming back, and how I had felt it was some type of sign of things to come? Guess I was right, eh.......Ah well, I will move forward and hope that they will go away. Tomorrow is another day, and all I can do is pray to the Gods that things will be better tomorrow........

Run.....Flee......Hide......Escape, those are all thoughts that keep coming into my mind at the moment. But I know I will not do that. I shall hold my head up high, put a smile on my face and move forward no matter what the cost is. I shall continue in these lands like nothing is wrong, hold close my friends and guild mates. Put my trust in them. Hold on to them for dear life. And through it all pray to the gods that he is truly happy, that he has finally found true happiness. That is all I ever really wanted for him, for everyone really. No matter what, I must make sure everyone around me stays happy, and if that means that I have to hide my true feelings, then hide them I will. Seems I have become a master of doing that here lately............